The Query Process

When I finished writing my novel, it never occured to me that the next step in publication would be so much more challenging. In a perfect world, writing a manuscript would be the hard part. Turns out, the writing is actually the easy part, especially when the story is playing out in your mind and the characters are as real as the people standing beside you in line at Target. In reality, the publishing aspect is so challenging, and involves more research, time, and prayers than the writing did. I've literally spent months researching, have rewritten my query dozens of times, and am currently tweaking it again before sending it out to agents. I know it isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but with the odds of having an agent request the manuscript being about 1-2%...it'd better be the closest thing to perfect since Jennifer Aniston's haircut in the second season of FRIENDS.

That said, I thought it'd be helpful to write a terrible query letter and post it to my blog. Just to get all of the kinks out...terrible habits and faux pas. Here goes...

Dear Agent, (Sent out in mass email to no one in particular.)
Hello? Instant delete.

I would like to introduce you to my fiction novel (all novels are fiction), Happily Ever After (wow you might as well name it Once Upon A Time). The manuscript is only about 25% complete. (Yeah, no agent will read an incomplete manuscript, unless you are perhaps, J.K. Rowling.) It doesn't fit into any genre category, (every novel needs a genre), but is a mass market for horror, young adult, romance, science fiction, fantasy, and erotica. (Huh????)

Once upon a time, Cinderella lived with her wicked stepmother. She was so sad all of the time and her sisters were beyond mean to her. When they wanted there (wow, mistaking their with there) breakfast, they were so totally beyond rude to her. She was sad, angry and depressed...kind of like Bella in The Twilight Series, but without the vampires and werewolves. She knew the road less traveled would be rough, but she would be okay because the grass is always greener on the other side. (Cliche, cliche, cliche...you might as well title this, The Kiss of Death.)

I really think this would be your bestselling novel since, the last big one you sold. Also, you're in luck because it's been rejected already by sixty seven people, so that's a sign that it was meant to go to you and anyone else on this mass email. (Is any agent still reading this?)

I would thank you, but you should be thanking me for this awesome book I sent you. (Seriously?) If I don't hear from you, I'll call your office twenty times a day until you call me back, and I'll also stalk you on Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace. (Don't call an agent unless specifically asked to! Restraining orders were created for a reason.)

Later,
Me
No contact information and Later?!?!

Okay, so that query letter would be instantly deleted, never answered, form letter rejected, or shared as "you'll never guess what ended up in my inbox this morning?"

Here's hoping my "real" query letter sounds a bit better...