What If...

The only television show that my husband and I watch together each week is, Lost. The producers tell us that this is the final season and all answers will be revealed. Following Tuesday night's episode, and after checking on our kids and climbing into bed, I turned to Chris and said, "I still have no idea what's going on...do you?" His answer, "There's about ten episodes left, we'll get it in the end." But will I? Seriously...I'm beginning to doubt myself and the producers on their all-will-be-answered promises. From what I gather, the Losties are currently living two parallel lives- both on the island and off. The off is a look at the "what ifs"...the how would life have turned out if we'd never crashed on the island, in the first place. Yes, I'm still confused, yet it has also gotten me thinking about the what ifs in my own life.

Sure, we all have, what ifs. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I'd made different choices, if those I love would have stayed together, if loved ones didn't pass away. Many of these things we have no control over, but for the ones we do, for the choices we've made- would we choose differently now, if we had the opportunity, to go back? Would it matter if I'd have told the boy I had a crush on that I liked him, would I respond differently to the ex-boyfriend as he was breaking up with me, would I stand up to the girls who were ganging up on me? I think the most pertinent question is...would it even make a difference?

I've met wonderful people in my life, and many of these people would never have crossed my path, or been a part of my existence, if different choices were made. If I hadn't moved to Washington for college, I would not have met my husband and would therefore be giving up the three most important people in my life- my children. If my husband were not in the Army, we wouldn't have had to deal with deployments, but would our lives be the same? Yes, deployments are enormously challenging, but they've also given me confidence and empowerment and pride that I didn't know existed before I experienced them.

Although I've asked a lot of what ifs, over my lifetime, I don't know if it would make a difference to go back and change anything now. The past experiences that I've gone through have made me who I am today. Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes, I regret these mistakes. I guess the real challenge is to move on and change those what ifs into an action to turn these past regrets into a promise to improve in the future...forgive those who've hurt you, love those who might not be with you forever, check in on someone who needs a person to talk to, and always tell those you love how much you love them before saying goodbye, so they never have to wonder what if...